i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
