I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I love you.
Bad choice
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
