I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
