a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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