you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
