yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
