Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
