life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
