As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
