Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
