My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
