Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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