So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
