Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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