i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
