I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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