cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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