i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
