K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
