what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
