M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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