I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it because I queefed?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize