Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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