I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
