Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
