So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize