somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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