I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize