Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
