I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
