I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
