i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
