Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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