just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
