i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
