lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
