Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
