I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
