he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
