need another drink. this is the easiest way
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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