Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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