I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
