dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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