Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
