I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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