mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
