every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
