if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
