you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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