i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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