Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
