She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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