OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
