i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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