He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have aggressive nipples.
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