Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
