I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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