the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
