Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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