i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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