i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
