nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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