Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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