I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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