I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
