my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
