does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
