Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
